carleymeiners

For about two months now I’ve been trying to write this post. I wrote, erased, wrote, erased. I couldn’t grasp any clever bones in my body. What I wanted was to put lyrics from Swift’s songs together into one prose to describe the different stages of relationships. But I just couldn’t do it. All I could think about was the lyrics to “All Too Well” and wonder how words from a stranger can explain exactly how I’ve felt for the past five months.

I’ve analyzed this relationship, just like any other, through the ins and outs of every experience we had together. I like to tell myself it’s a healthy curiosity. But maybe it isn’t. I can’t help it though. It’s that natural sense of wonder if what you feel that person meant to you, you meant to them, especially when they tell you they’re in love with someone else.

“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold.

But something bout it felt like home some how.”

I think Swift’s song “All Too Well” sums up every feeling you get after a relationship falls apart. How you feel lost that what you pictured is not the way it turned out. But you can still see all the good times, especially when a new year rolls around and you’re no longer making memories with that person. They’re making memories with someone else.

“Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide eyed gaze

We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate.

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,

and I can picture it after all these days.”

I think what the worst/best part of relationships are is the obliviousness that you get when you’re happy. It’s like that first cool day in the fall. Everything seems to not have to work as hard, you’re not sweating or worked up. Everything is calm.

“You tell me ’bout your past thinking your future was me.”

It’s exhilarating to feel like someone’s everything. They cater to your needs, make you breakfast and comfort you when you fall. You can’t picture it ending, but somehow it’s still in the back of your mind. You wonder how this person will shape the rest of your relationships or how he will be “the” relationship.

“And I know it’s long gone

And there’s nothing left I could do

And I forget about you long enough

To forget why I needed to..”

Then when you fight you become nervous. You sit in the corner of your room wondering why this is happening. Is it even worth it? Is he worth it? Then he comes home and you realize in blurry vision that he is. You talk about fixing the problem. Then two weeks later you talk about the problem again, and again, and again. But the problem never goes away.

“Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,

And maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’till you tore it all up.

Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

After the inevitable comes around you still sit in the corner of your room wondering if it still isn’t worth it. What would happen if you moved on, what would happen if he did? Does your relationship sit in the back of your closet like that teddy bear he gave you and all the pictures of what now seem to be broken smiles. And all the sweet notes full of sweet words that you can’t get yourself to throw away. You start to think about all the things you did wrong, and all the things that he did right. You cry.

“Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

‘Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.”

Then months later you convince yourself you’re ready to move on, it’s still in the back of your head but you keep pushing it back. You push, and push, and push until you have to feel something. And the result is you’re confused, you’re lost, you don’t even know why you’re writing this.

“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it

I’d like to be my old self again but I’m still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone.”

Then you kind of just let yourself wonder about it, even though everyone tells you it’s not worth it. He’s not the picture perfect guy you envisioned over a year ago. You’re still stuck in the memories though until someone else significant rolls around to add their own.

As much as you want to hate that person, as bitter as you are, you still can’t forget about it. It’s engrained in your mind.

You learn a lot about yourself when moving past a relationship. I have learned a lot in the past five months. Five months seems to be a long time to be forgetting. If you asked me five months ago if I thought I would still be analyzing now I would have said no. I would have said I’m stronger than that.

But just because I’m taking my time analyzing and trying to forget doesn’t mean I’m weak. Maybe it just means you truly never forget your past relationships, and some relationships are easier to cover up with new feelings than others.

“It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.“