carleymeiners

Hi. I’m still here, I’m still in a relationship, and I’m still willing to talk about it.

For those who know me, you know the past ten months have been hectic and full of new adventures. I graduated from the University of Missouri in May 2015 then packed my bags and moved to Colorado to start my first full-time job. Graduating from Mizzou is one of my biggest accomplishment, but the after-effects of college were a lot to handle.

I’ve been told that after you get married there’s this feeling called “post-wedding blues.” To sum it up, it’s that weird feeling you get after you’ve been planning something for so long and then all of the sudden it’s over. The excitement, anxiety and wonder all over in one day. Although I have yet to plan a wedding, I feel like college grads feel the same way after graduation.

It’s like there’s not as much to work towards once your out of school, or it’s more like you don’t have a specific goal in mind. Sometimes I’ve felt like I didn’t do enough in college, or I didn’t learn enough and want to go back. So here I am reliving some of my deepest, hardest lessons (besides my reporting class because PHEW, I never thought I’d see the other side of that semester).

I struggled through the beginning of college not only GPA-wise but also emotionally. After I finally adjusted to being away from family, I went through a pretty rough break-up, which also resulted in the end of friendships. It wasn’t my first loss, but it sure was hard.

Obviously you learn a plethora of lessons in college, but the biggest lessons I learned were the ones outside of the classroom. Throughout the four years of college, I learned many different things about myself and the people I chose to associate with.

Here are the top 5 lessons I learned about relationships, romantic and not.

1. Family is the ONLY relationship you can count on.

Before college, I had never moved. I grew up surrounded by the same friends, same town and, of course, the same family. When I left to go to Mizzou, I realized, the hard way, that family is the only relationship I have that fully holds me together on a daily basis.

I’ve been lucky enough to grow up with cousins who were close in my age. Cameron, who is the same age as I am, tackled the same life changes as I did at the same time. It was/is the best to have someone in my family to lean on, who faces similar challenges as me at similar times. There were many, many moments my freshman year of college I couldn’t have done without his support and for that I’m forever grateful.

My little sister has also a huge blessing in my life. She and my parents have been the best and biggest support system I have ever known. My mom has listened to me cry, many times about boys and bad friends, and my dad has given me unlimited amounts of advice whenever I needed. They both pushed me to my full potential and never put up with bulls***, which is a blessing in disguise.

Then there’s my aunts, uncles and grandparents who have also made coming home some of my best memories. Friends have come and gone in my life, but I’ve been blessed to come home to something consistent and loving every single time I go to Texas.

2. Break-ups are actually good for you.

Obviously in the moment, it’s actually horrible. Every time I’ve been dumped (fun fact: I’ve always been the dumpee, never the dumper), I cried hysterically. Even when I knew this is what we’ve both wanted for months. It never feels great, but it always ends up as a growing point in life.

The one aspect of my life that is always better after being dumped is working out. There’s something about strengthening your body that screams “I don’t need you anymore.” It’s just a great time to learn about yourself and really reflect what you want, from yourself and future partners. I’ve never had a break-up where five months down the road I wished we could go back to the way it used to be. I fully believe those who are meant to be together weather the storm of life together. Those who aren’t … well we always find a way to move on without each other.

3. Friends are meant to come and go.

One of the hardest realizations I had in college was that your happiness is often a reflection of the type of people you surround yourself with.

When I began my career at Mizzou, I knew no one. Quickly I became friends with the girls who lived below me in my dorm room. We all hung out, all the time, but it wasn’t until senior year that I realized some of these relationships were more toxic than they were beneficial but more on that later.

It’s hard to be on your own, though. Especially when virtually everyone I know went off to school with people we all grew up around. I watched as friends began to fade, some who ghosted me, some who we just stopped talking because we never saw each other.

It’s hard to keep up with friends when I haven’t lived at home for over five years now. I am thankful for the friendships that are the same even if I haven’t seen or talked to the person in months. And also for my best friend Alyssa, who is always there when I call crying or want to talk about how annoyed I am for the day.

There are friends who are tied to a specific moment in your life and there are some who you end up just not needing any more. Sometimes that’s easy to accept, but other times it’s harder than expected, especially when you’re the one putting forth all the effort.

4. Only surround yourself with people who uplift you and make you happy.

This is easier said than done.

When I think of who I want in a friend, I want someone who is always supportive (even if they don’t agree), encouraging, there when you need them to be, never hurtful (although we all slip, in general I have learned that if I truly care about someone, I’m not going to say hurtful things to them or behind their back, even when I’m upset). But that’s not always how it turns out. Even when you’ve known the people for a couple years.

I think one of the moments I noticed early on about the group of girls I hung out with in college was the amount we talked about each other behind each other’s backs. Once sophomore year, I ran to my dorm room to grab something with my then boyfriend, and the rest of my girlfriends were studying for the class they all had together. When we walked out of the room, I let the door shut and listened to them talk about me behind my back. It wasn’t anything really honestly that horrible but it wasn’t anything nice either. It made me feel like everytime I turned my back something was going to be said about me, which is not the kind of friend I want or want to be.

Senior year was one of the first times I felt like I needed my girlfriends the most. My boyfriend and I started a long distance relationship, and I just wanted to be distracted by friends. After not being invited somewhere (and being hurt from the many instances that had happened in the past) I confronted the girls about feeling left out when I needed them the most. No one really said anything, and I decided to walk away from the relationships for one of the first times in my life. It was one of the hardest things I have done but well worth it in the end.

*Disclaimer: I was also probably not the best friend in this group, too. I participated in the gossip as much as the other girls did. I just decided that in the end, that’s not who I want to be. 

I will say that there are some wonderful, wonderful relationships that came out of Mizzou. Some that came in the end and some who have been there throughout the ups and downs of college. I am also glad that I learned a lot from not only these girls but from other ended relationships throughout college.

5. Sometimes space from those you love is best for the relationship.

There’s something especially frustrating about being hurt by the ones who are an intricate part of your life. This includes parents, siblings, partners, friends, family, etc. And it also includes the feelings of being annoying, frustrated, ignored, hurt, upset and betrayed. But, sometimes you don’t want/can’t walk away from these relationships. Space is the only answer.

When my sister and I fought growing up, we would separate ourselves for a couple hours and then be fine afterwards. Often, I find myself doing this in the rest of my personal life.

When I’m mad there are many ugly, hurtful things I may think about another person. Ultimately, I can get myself out of that rut once I’ve had time to sit and think about the situation. The only thing that’ll mend and heal is space.

It’s that space that I use to talk to God about teaching me patience and forgiveness. It also gives me time to think about the other side of the problem. That’s one thing I pride myself in: Thinking about how the other person is feeling and why they may feel it (even if I don’t agree with it because everyone is entitled to their own feelings). Space doesn’t mean you hate the person or that you’re being immature, it just merely means you need time to yourself … especially if you’ve been hurt in the process.

All in all…

Relationships are one of the most rewarding aspects to life. I wouldn’t have made it through moving to a new state (again) without my wonderful boyfriend, caring co-workers, supportive friends and family, the relationships I cherish the most.

I am very thankful for my supportive parents who have given me unconditional love and support since day one. Shout out to them for being THE BEST. Also, shout out to y’all for reading this much of my blog, you rock just for that. 🙂