carleymeiners

There have been many moments in the past 6 weeks where I have faked being OK.

I’ve slapped a smile on my face after crying to not make others feel uncomfortable. I’ve pushed my feelings aside. I’ve reminded myself that I will be strengthened through this. So where has it led?

Here. Feeling out of place. Feeling sorry for myself. Feeling lonely.

It’s been 6 weeks since we left Denver. I told myself it will be better to be close to family in a state where everything is familiar. But it has yet to really feel like home.

The day we packed up to move, I got a call that my grandmother had passed away. It didn’t feel too overwhelming. She had been in pain for many years so I knew she was in a better place. We packed, I figured out the plans for the next week to be home with my mom. The funeral was hard as expected and it’s so bittersweet knowing she is no longer here but is pain-free in heaven.

M and I have been through a lot personally in the past 2 years. Most of which I have not shared outside my immediate family. There have been many things I would never wish on anyone else. They have been life sucking and hard, but it made it seem like this PCS would be the best thing for us. A fresh start. We’ve made it through the past two years so what can feel worse than that?

Well, if I’m honest, I feel worse now than before.

Not only have we had mountains of non-military issues to work through emotionally, but we’ve also been going through a major career shift. In Denver, M worked a decently normal 9-5 (Really 7-6 most days) job. He was not deployed – he was gone decently often but not deployed.

Now, M is still gone during the day, but he also comes home, eats dinner and then studies until we go to bed. Most days we struggle to connect.

We bicker often and sometimes we full-out argue. And I know we are both emotionally overwhelmed, and I’m not even sure if that phrase gives our feelings justice.

I know we will push through this and as everyone likes to say “this too shall pass.”

I know that.

But I also know I’m not OK. And that’s OK. It’s OK to be a little upset when yet again we have to spend another Friday night with the military. It’s OK to be angry when someone tells you, “You should have known what you married into.”

I wish this was a more profound blog filled with many beautifully written lines that people want to share, tweet, etc. But I know it’s not. I’m writing this in the middle of the suck while we struggle to reinvent our relationship during many life-changing events.

Today, on Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I’ve reflected on the sacrifices I make and the many other spouses make on a daily basis. I know there are many hard things to come: deployments, moves, being a single parent at times. I know our military journey has been blessed and that it could be much worse.

To all the other men and women who sacrifice, hold down the fort and love our soldiers unconditionally, I salute you today and every day. It takes one hell of a human to be a military spouse.

Oh, and it’s OK to not feel OK.