carleymeiners

I’ve been wanting to write for months now on how our marriage has changed (in the short 12 months it has existed) for a while now. But I also didn’t want it to be a “feel sorry for me post.”

But life has been tough lately.

Way back in 2017, M found out his package had been approved to fly in the military the week before our wedding. He texted me one afternoon “are you in a private place to talk on the phone?” My stressed out, bride brain thought something was wrong or that he had changed his mind. He called, gave me the news and we both cried on the phone. That call changed our lives. We weren’t positive yet that he would be approved to move and start his pilot career (his package had been approved in another branch before and ultimately he was told no), and I honestly wasn’t too worried about it then since everything takes forever in the military.

Fast forward to today, a year later, and M’s in deep into pilot training. We moved to a new state and both of us have experienced career changes (working from home is harder than it seems). The amount of other changes and hardships we’ve experienced has been more than most first years of marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. We are blessed. Really very blessed to not have experienced a lot of the heartbreak many people we know have, but it’s still been hard. A hard move (death in the family + the stomach flu makes for one awful week), starting our lives over in a new city, career change for M, semi-career change for me, loss, heartbreak, health scares and a huge shift in our relationship.

Just to name a few.

Through everything that has happened in year one, there has been one clear lesson. Here’s the story:

“You need to be strong and handle everything.”

A few close to us have alluded (or flat out said) that I, as M’s spouse, should carry all the burdens in our life that would distract him from training or studying. That means baring all responsibility in the household. A few things: chores, bills, our sweet puppy,  birthdays, Tricare, budgeting, groceries, etc.

They say I’m the sole support system, and he is the only one’s whose stress matters.

OK, the last one is an interpretation of others’ words. But the concept is still wrong.

I’m thankful to have a husband who, on his good days, doesn’t buy into this. On his bad days, he makes comments about things I need to be doing on his timeline. “I have better things to do than be on the phone with Tricare.” (Don’t we all.)

On my bad days, I believe I should bottle my emotions and take on every task alone and everyone else’s emotional baggage.

When I get into this rut, it bleeds into relationships outside my marriage. I take on more at work, I feel other people’s problems and feel the need to fix them. All while forgetting about myself and my well being.

My mind becomes fuzzy and nothing gets accomplished. All signs that typically mean: OVERLOAD.

Then, I suddenly become painfully aware that I tend to focus on everyone else after a complete meltdown.

It’s a constant battle and has been since the second we moved. Our marriage shifted almost instantly the exact day we moved from Colorado. We went through our first family death together while literally finishing packing our boxes. We’ve experienced family health scares. Even small things went wrong: we went 3 weeks without a washer and dryer because of issues in the warehouse. Seems so silly, but not having clean clothes is hard. We moved to a town where we know no one, but also spend a lot of time at home. It’s a blessing and a curse.

OH, and that little thing we like to call pilot training, which brings stress neither of us expected.

There have been many, many tears. Many times pleading with God to stop all the hurt and pain. That I need a break.

That I am emotional worn out.

Sometimes (OK, a lot of the times) we are both too exhausted to talk about anything other than what is immediately going on around us. Between me working full time and maintaining our household, and M basically working 14-16 hour days (which includes 12 hours at work and then 2+ hours studying at home), we both have a lot to talk about but barely any energy to do so.

THAT is the root of a lot of our problems. And that is my take away from year one.

A marriage takes a lot of work. Anyone will tell you that, but I don’t think anyone quite understands that until you start sacrificing for your spouse in big ways. M sacrifices dinners out with the guys when I need the emotional support at home. I, well, you get the picture of mine. My goal for year 2 is to:

1. Get M his pilot wings.
2. Be better at emotionally supporting my spouse and also leaning on my spouse for that emotional support I need and stop bottling so much.

And, the biggest thing is realizing that I do not hold sole responsibility in our relationship. M can help out around the house, he can take on some of our personal stress and STILL be a good pilot. Marriage is a partnership. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Simple.

There are times where I will take on the majority of the responsibilities, which is currently our situation. But that also does not mean that I can’t ask for help just because he’s training. There will be times in our marriage where he will be gone. Everything will be my responsibility and that’s fine.

But I have got to stop listening to what others’ think our marriage should look like. Every marriage is different. If you looked inside another marriage, even one who is also going through pilot training, they all have different ways to survive and take care of each other.

There have been good moments in the past year. The little, small moments have made the big, hard ones survivable.

• We became dog parents and have learned more about patience & love by selflessly loving this pup.
• We have been able to spend more time at home with loved ones.
• We are living in our first house together! (And successfully saving for our own home!)
• We got to travel and see friends in Denver together and on our own.
• I’ve been able to travel and see family and friends across the country.

We have also learned more about each other than I thought was possible in our first year. I thought I was a M expert, but as this first year has passed I have realized that through the course of our marriage, each year will teach me something new.

Life truly is an adventure, and I am beyond blessed to have M by my side through the ups and many downs life has and will present. There is something wonderfully comforting about ending your day with the same person and being intimately close to that same person.

I love you, M.

And I love anyone who made it this far down in this long blog 😉