carleymeiners

I hope that “Don’t Mess With Texas” mug still sits on his counter with spots of dried coffee cumulated at the bottom. My selfish mind hopes it haunts him when he rinses it out every morning to make his coffee.

I’ve done this many times before, but it never hurts less. 600 miles away from my momma I would almost say it hurts more. I long for those nights where I sit on the love seat in my living room at home with momma rubbing my back saying everything always works itself out. It always does and she’s always right, but in the moment I cry thinking to myself that this is never going to change.

 

June 2012

I was sitting in my car that hot summer Texas afternoon, contemplating that one text message. I knew he had a crush on me. I knew he would respond. I knew it would make me feel better after being dumped three weeks ago. I could fantasize about going back to school with a boy waiting for me, even if I didn’t really like him.

Sent.

We had only been texting for two weeks at this point. This random boy I met last year from school was so infatuated with me and I was scared. Conversations that lasted until 2:00 AM were the only thing we knew for two months. I was coming out of a long term, long distance relationship and it was nice to have someone like me again, but I couldn’t fully emotionally commit myself.

Text Message, 7/28/12, 10:30 PM

Him: “What if there was a flight to and from Dallas on the same day, could I come see you and take you on a date?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We’ve barely been talking!”

He was a small town boy from Missouri who was working in a factory all summer long. In his mind I was a “city girl” from Texas, who was a beautiful idea that he would never be able to call his own. He would text me nice things, as if he really liked getting to know me, then I would back out of a phone call that he wanted to make because I didn’t want to actually face reality that I was playing with his emotions. All I wanted was to get over my ex, someone to make me feel good, but nothing serious. He wanted it all, the commitment, the dates, the love.

 

Conversation with Tony in his Duplex 8/19/12:

Him: “Can I take you to dinner this week?”

Me: “Sure, how about Wednesday night?”

Him: “Ok, I’ll pick you up at 6.”

Our first date was amazing. The way we could talk about anything and everything was amazing. We just clicked. It was a new school year, a new boy; everything seemed to fall into place. He was so cautious with how he acted. He got out of his car and opened the door for me, he told me I looked pretty as I sat down and he closed the door. We went to Chili’s that night and later walked around a park until sunset.

“I’m so glad this worked out,” he said as we sat hand in hand on a park bench. I could feel the happiness pour out of his hands as he ran them through my hair. He smiled as he looked at me as I watched the sun set. This was the attention I had been craving since my previous breakup in June. I kept telling myself, this is what you want, someone to love you. In the back of my mind I knew I was just covering up the pain.

We went on a few dates later that week and I began to back away a little bit. His roommates had a block party, and I didn’t show up. I guess he was expecting me, he told my friends he was upset I wasn’t there.

I stopped trying to hang out for a week and a half. I was scared. It had only been two months since I had gotten out of a serious long distance relationship that really scared me into becoming serious with anyone. He would text me every day, trying to suggest new things all of which I turned down. I didn’t want to lead someone on whom I wasn’t sure I had feelings for.

How ironic that all seems now.

 

Text Message, 9/1/12, 9:00 PM

Me to Him: “I miss you…”

I could see him laughing right before taking the field for the Marching Mizzou half-time show. His big white teeth lit up the field, as I saw him playfully talking to his friends. His big expressions when he talked, always using his arms to exaggerate a point, drew me in and I knew I had made a mistake. There was something about him that I wanted to learn about. To my surprise that text sent, even though I was in the stadium during a football game where there is usually absolutely no signal. He responded when he was back up in the stands and we made plans to hang out after the game.

That weekend he told me we could not see each other unless we were officially together. He didn’t want to waste HIS time waiting for ME to make a decision. He didn’t want to be led on. I told him I was nervous about a new relationship and really wanted to take things slow. He stuck to his point and I caved.

 

Letter from 9/3/12

Dearest Carley Meiners,

You are hereby cordially invited to acquire the honorable title of “Girlfriend”. Be forewarned: This relationship is not a one way street and could involve contact with… yours truly. Should you choose to accept, I may blow up your phone on a daily basis… so be ready.

Sincerely,

Anthony John

 

From that night forward we were inseparable. I spent every night with him. We watched movies, ate ice cream, and talked for hours on end about anything and everything. When I was with him I got this high. It was like everything that I was normally worried about disappeared. I wasn’t homesick, I wasn’t stressed, and I wasn’t heartbroken. I had someone besides my momma to get me through the rough times. With him, in the beginning, there weren’t rough times.

 

 

Text Message, 9/28/12, 1:02 PM

Mommy Cell: “What are you doing today, haven’t heard from you. I was worried.”

I talk to my momma at least once a day, more than that when I’m upset. When she doesn’t hear from me she calls me worried about why I’m not by my phone to let her know what’s going on. He took me home that last weekend in September and I was so preoccupied by this new relationship I didn’t have time to update momma on what I was doing. I was extremely nervous though since we had only been dating for barely a month and going home with a boy means a lot. He said he was ready though, he wanted to have me meet his parents and be a part of his other life. I was happy that he was so into me, but still nervous. The weekend was filled with watching football, four wheeling, basketball and eating. It wasn’t full of questions of our future, where I was from or where I was going. It was just fun.

In the morning we drank coffees and ate pancakes. That “Don’t Mess With Texas” mug always sat by his plate. I wasn’t allowed to touch it. It was his pride and joy, bragging about me. “My girlfriend is from Texas, and she is studying journalism,” is what he would tell anyone who would listen. “I’ve heard a lot about you,” was the statement I listened to over and over again when I met his friends. It was all perfect shades of blue, beautiful and exhilarating. Somehow I didn’t see it begin to fall apart.

He began to get on to me about my slipping grades, constantly stating that my classes weren’t that hard because I was a journalism major. He subtly hinted that engineering required more “brain work” then writing articles for a living, even though his GPA was significantly lower than mine. I just needed to focus. For some reason, all I wanted was to be good enough; I wanted to prove to him that I was a good student, when the only person I have anything to prove to is myself.

In December, we had a huge argument where he told me we were too serious and he was nervous things were going to end badly no matter what. All I could think about was that I told him we needed to move slowly and that it was never supposed to be this serious. I worried he wanted someone smarter, someone who he could have “intelligent” conversations with. We stayed together and worked through our problems as we spent some time apart over winter break.

 

Text Message, 1/2/13 10:31 PM

Him to me: “I had such a fun time in Texas and I hope I made it clear how much you mean to me, I have no idea how I got so annoyed with you towards the end of the semester. You mean a lot to me and I’m so glad we got to see each other. Everything really is bigger in Texas ;)”

These texts messages and conversations in person salvaged our relationship for the next three months. I was so into these moments, even when he stopped willingly saying these things I would ask him to tell me nice things just to cover my emotions of ultimately feeling alone.

And I was alone. He slowly pulled away as I wondered is this relationship even worth it? I questioned it at least once a week for three months, but I was still blind to what was coming.

 

Text Messages, 4/13/13 11:05 PM

Me: “I’m sorry about our fight tonight and I hope you have fun at your party. I’ll see you when you pick me up later tonight.

Him: “I think I need to spend the night alone to think about us and my behavior towards you.”

Me: “I won’t be able to sleep tonight if we don’t finish this discussion please come get me later.”

Him: “I think it’ll be better if we spend the night apart.”

Me: “Please I can’t do this, please come get me.”

Him: “Ok. See you at 2”

I have a problem with holding onto things that are not healthy for me for too long. We were unhappy and I blurred it with the good things that he was trying to do to force his feelings toward me. That Saturday we had gone on a date and then he went to a party without me. He later told me he didn’t want me at the party because it wouldn’t be fun with me around.
Yet after hearing this in the car the next afternoon I was still trying to salvage what was left of our down hill spiraling relationship. He wanted a break, saying he wanted to think about whether this was what he really wanted. But in full circle, I didn’t want to waste MY time waiting for HIM to make a decision. I didn’t want to be led on.

Accepting the reality of being single again was not something I was too fond of thinking about. Having to start over, just to have another boy break my heart for the millionth time. I can’t understand or grasp what it would be like to constantly be with someone who cares about you through everything. This was happening the same way it’s happened before: he didn’t want the commitment and we weren’t falling in love… we were falling out.

After a full day of tears, I still am not quite sure how to pick myself up again. It is a relationship that has made me feel so good. We are in the same friend group, consisting of both new friends I met through him and old friends from my freshman year of college. It has been such a struggle to be away from my family through the thick and thin of the past two years. Luckily I have a momma that knows exactly what to say at the right moment.

My momma has always told me that it takes years and years to build a normal healthy relationship in which you understand each other completely. She always reminds me I am only twenty years young, and I have plenty of time to meet someone amazing and fall in love. Life isn’t figured out in one moment. It’s figured out through experiences.

 

Conversation with my Momma, 4/15/13

“It’s time to concentrate on yourself and furthering your career as a writer and a journalist. Focus on what you love and everything else will fall into place.”

I always wonder what will happen in the future. In high school I was fascinated with college at a young age. I threw myself into journalism, knowing that it was going to help me in the future if I learned more in the moment. I had a plan: I want a fast paced career until I get married in my late twenties and then settle down with a family and raise my future children. Momma constantly reminds me to not have a plan, that a plan is already picked out for me and life will always throw you curve balls.

What is normal when it comes to picking and settling down whom you will be with for the rest of your life? I know that it feels amazing to always be around someone who has an unconditional fascination with you, someone who is always there to listen and comfort you. When it’s ripped away from you, I can’t help but feel lost and confused.

I hope that “Don’t Mess With Texas” mug still sits on his counter. I hope he wonders if he made the right decision. I know he did though. Every morning when he makes his morning coffee, to cram for yet again another test he hasn’t studied for, I hope the mug reminds him of what is lost, but what is never forgotten.